Shield Your Sperm from WiFi with Spartan Boxers! Or Not

Let me tell you a story about a radically evolving digital society so intent on having communication technology on its person at all times that males began to suffer severely decreased sperm counts and mutated swimmers, and so they had to adapt, wearing radiation shielding undergarments such as the Spartan Boxer Brief.

Is this science fiction, or truth, or stupidity?

The tale goes back to the late twentieth century when cellular phones and portable computers, dubbed laptops for using them on one’s lap, became available and their convenience in a digitally dependent world soon made them the norm for any human with a little currency to spend.

Unbeknownst to the naïve male portion of the species was the effect of tremendous heat from the batteries and the sheer blasts of radiation being emitted from the wireless devices.

Laptops originated on the laps of men and women.

Smartphones sit in the front pockets of myriad citizens of the globe.

Our genitals are being dosed with radiation and we do not have the lead-lined x-ray lap protector that you receive when getting x-rays.

Step forward the Spartan!

How does it work?

Spartan weaved a network of silver fibers inside the cotton of the SPARTAN Boxers, creating an electromagnetic shield that blocks wireless radiation from entering the boxer . . . [like] a Faraday cage [that] . . . works on the same principle as your microwave, only that it keeps the radiation out instead of inside.

And why is there not a female Spartan to ward off radiation from our ladies’ ovum?

I guess they forgot about that 50% of the market.

And so, moving on, in the twenty-first century the Spartan Boxer Briefs have arisen to offer us a forty-dollar pair of underwear that shields our sperm (for those of us with sperm) from 99% of the radiation.

But they do more than just shield us from 3G, 4G, WiFi, and the like at 450 MHz to 5GHz, covering calls and texts and even a heinous array of emojis.

These are anti-bacterial undergarments as well!

The silver lining works to destroy the filth in our naughty places.

Now Spartan does cite a 2012 Bioinitiative Report, which compiles the results of hundreds of studies, and appear to back up the findings of 50% reduced sperm count by a phone or laptop in the front pocket or on the lap and the increased amount of mutated cellphone sperm that can be irrevocably altered as a result of not wearing protection, like the Spartan underwear.

But it should be noted that the story does not have to end with shelling out $35 donations to the Spartan Boxers Indiegogo campaign to attain one pair of shielding briefs.

Using a desk or even a briefcase or a tray that separates a laptop from the lap can be effective, as can putting your phone down at home or in a jacket or anywhere that is not right over your balls when going out and about.

Small distances and buffering objects and common sense can go a long way.

Of course, holding a phone to the skull for phone calls similarly shoots radiation to the brain, and so perhaps wearing the Spartan Boxer on the head would be prudent as well?

I will let you in on a little secret: the newest iPhones come with free headphones that have a built-in mic for handless talking (without putting the radiation gun up to your skull for hours at a clip).

And for all the talk about sperm, briefs of any kind (like Spartan Boxer Briefs) restrict the balls and greatly reduce sperm count [source: WebMd.com], while boxers (which are not available by Spartan) are suggested for all men trying to keep up a healthy amount of their boys.

This product fails to follow its own logic.