Brookstone and Sharper Image have long reserved the entrances of their shops for massage chairs — it’s the perfect way to lure tired shoppers in and convince them that yes, you DO need a full-body vibrating massager in your home. But this? This puppy just body slammed all of their old recliners and plug-and-rub mats: the OSIM iDesire is designed to hit up your ENTIRE body in a delightfully creepy way.

Taking on the oft forgotten limbs, movable cuffs squeeze and release your arms to release tension while air cushions literally surround your lower legs to relieve pressure in your feet and ankles (plus the tried and true vibrating mechanism for the arch of your foot). Built in optical sensors (oh yes, optical sensors) for acupressure point detection inform rollers that automatically glide along your back and features five types of upper body massage: kneading, rhythmic pressure, tapping, rolling and then a one-two punch of kneading and tapping together. Plus there’s a built in remote that lets you select from 9 massage actions and save programs for up to 4 people. And it’s all yours for $4,495!

When you’re really, really into fish (or having amazing stuff in your place to keep guests gobsmacked), a standard pet store aquarium just won’t do. Straight out of France, Octopus Studio has come up with the Silverfish Aquarium, essentially an assortment of high-quality PMMA globes connected by hamster-like tubes so your fish can roam from one pod to another; you can even go crazy and create little themes within each, a whole fish-y world at your fingertips. Available with a black, cherry wood or carbon base (you can order it without, but the stands are well designed, and intentionally made to conceal all of the heating, filtration and lighting elements), the aquarium literally comes with everything you need to get started, short of fish and gravel — filtration, heating, and aeration parts, lighting, silk plants and cleaning equipment, plus assembly and maintenance instructions in case you’re a little overwhelmed by the kit.

Because each kit is built to your own specifications, pricing varies (which is a nice way of saying “this is so not your bargain basement aquarium and they don’t want to scare you off by putting pricing on the site”), but you can contact Octopus Studios directly through their website for a quote.

The persistent need to communicate is rescued by persistence of vision with the Spacewriter, leaving your messages floating in mid air as you move the pocketsized unit from side to side. If you’ve ever tried to grab someone’s attention at a club or shout something to your friend standing at the other end of the bar at a show then you can probably appreciate the application of LED wave messaging. The backlit LCD screen lets you program in your own messages and, when hoisted into the dark air and waved, leaves a light impression of your text that’s visible up to 50 meters away. A cute little gadget (and certainly an attention getter) straight from Gyroscopes online for $16.80 (price subject to the current dollar conversion).

We’re SUPER distrustful of universal remotes that claim to be able to power everything. Why, you ask? Because over the course of ten years we’ve plunked down thousands of dollars on remote controls, from fancy schmancy touch-screen devices that promise to do everything but wash the dishes down to the cheapo versions that you can find hanging on an endcap at Best Buy, and invariably there’s always ONE component that won’t take orders from anyone but its original remote master, even when told to beam those controls via IR remote info-sex. Take a good hard look at your entertainment center: if you’re anything like us, there’s no less than 5 components from as many manufacturers all awaiting your command, and they’ve each got their own special little remote control language.

But whatever, let’s pretend that 2008 is the year of renewed optimism and faith — yes, dear advertiser, we will eat up every promise you throw at us and swallow with a smile because it’s 2008 and we really want to believe! So Logitech, here’s your shot, make us proud: hot off the PR wires, take in the Harmony One Advanced Universal Remote. It’s black, it doesn’t have a zillion buttons, it’s got its own full color touch screen, it’s ergonomic… it’s… it’s even ever expanding. With the self proclaimed “World’s Largest A/V Control Database”, the remote is ready to support more than 225,000 devices from more than 5,000 brands, with new items being added to the list every day. Could this really be the end of multi-remote woes? For $249.99, here’s to hoping.

There’s something about winter, with its late sunrise and layered blankets, that makes it near impossible to scoop yourself out of bed in the morning. I’ve got one friend who’s currently employing 4 different alarms in the morning to get up and still can’t seem to make it into work on time — tv timers are easy to tune out after a couple of minutes, and cell phone/alarm clock beeping is quickly snoozed with a push of the button (sure, you have to do it every ten minutes, but somehow it’s still better than actually getting up).

The trick seems to be engaging your whole self — more than just the physical movement of thwacking at a device, there’s something to be gained from dragging your brain into the process, maybe even triggering a bit of panic. Which is why I’m adding the Danger Bomb Clock to my friend’s birthday list, perhaps singlehandedly saving a career. This limited edition alarm shocks you awake with explosive sounds and a randomized code that’s refreshed each morning forcing you to work some mental muscle and disable the proper connectors before the thing will finally shut up. Stick it on the other side of your room and voila, you’ve got yourself a huge pain in the ass first thing in the morning… but you’ll get out of bed, so mission accomplished. The Danger Bomb Clock is available from GeekStuff4U.com for $36.63.

ZZ Top wasn’t lyin’ — women really do go crazy for a sharp dressed man. And since we’re nowhere nearer to bringing the fedora back into mainstream style (dammit), you can still safely lean on a well built suit to drive the ladies wild this Valentines, date or not. The real problem with suits, of course (beyond those unfortunate souls wandering around in something so ill fit you could swear it was stolen from an uncle’s wardrobe), is that a trip to the local mall forces you to choose from a truly ho-hum variety of neckties.

But you, you’re too sharp for that pedestrian crap; you’re a shining star and deserve a tie as stunning as you are. And we’ve got just the place for you: check out Cyberoptix TieLab, a bounty of hand silkscreened ties “that don’t suck!” — and really, they don’t. Just check out some of our favorite picks below, available in a ton of fantastic designs and prices (median pricing sits somewhere around the $30-$70 range).

Live like an adult, play like a kid! A ton of us fondly remember the tabletop arcade games of the 80s and have probably entertained the idea of having one in-house now that we’re all grown up. Of course, much like action figures, the classic arcade table would stand out like a childhood dinosaur in a room of adult decoration (and may be a hard sell for your Crate & Barrel loving girlfriend). Someone over at Surface Tension likely had a similar thought and put the ingenuity forth to create a modern styled coffee table with arcade games — and more! — delightfully hidden inside.

With the Arcade Coffee Table built exactly to your needs delivery may take a couple of months, but it looks to be worth the wait. Each arcade game table is fully equipped with solid retro-gaming components (fully customizable in any colors you’d like), ready to go for both one and two players (and if your buddy isn’t around, you can always look for a second player online) and stocked with 29 games; if the bundled bits aren’t enough for you, the table is MAME-compatible so you can add whatever retro games you’d like! The table conceals a Dell PC to power all of your favorite goodies — including iTunes (ready to stream wireless to your speaker system with AirPort), Firefox for web surfing, Apple QuickTime to view movies, Windows XP Picture Viewer to flip through all of your photos, and ports to connect all of your peripherals.

The table comes in three different finishes — brushed, glazed and grain — for a hefty £3295 directly from the manufacturer (for Americans, basically double that price for the dollar conversion with the exchange rate as it is these days) you can add one of your own to the living room. What price making your friends green with envy, right?

Ever get umbrella envy as you’re slushing through soaked sidewalks passed on either side by fully covered pedestrians while your little CVS umbrella drips all over your shoulders? Step up to the “Rolls Royce of umbrellas”, the High Function Solo. Aside from its eye catching design (a wide canopy of black nylon offset by a swipe of green), its well thought out build puts it far ahead of convenience store competitors: the Solo features an automatic open and close button (no more slicing your thumb on dinky latches) that can also be pressed to revert the umbrella if it’s blown inside out, and is built around a carbon WindFlex Frame System with a solid steel shaft and reinforced flexible carbon polymer ligaments (so maybe it can double as a self defense club?). Even the handle is built to last with it’s zinc alloy brushed in nickel to protect against corrosion, and is highly manageable with an extra wide closure strap and convenient clip to keep strapped to your wrist or bag. The Solo sells for $95 over at UncommonGoods; if the price makes you wince, do a quick assessment of how much you’ve thrown away on cheap umbrellas and you may find this one a worthwhile investment.

Forget everything you thought you knew about mixing light fixtures and water — sure, your vanity light in the bathroom exploded in a million fantastic jagged arcs when a splash of water hit the bare bulb, but you were dealing with conventional, store-bought, sad little bulbs; the Xenon bulb laughs at your iridescent clunkers and takes a deep dive into an orb of water with the WET Lamp.

The designers haven’t gone into a ton of detail about the magic inside the box (when you see something that doesn’t immediately make sense, first instinct is to ask a million questions), but have offered some information on how the WET Lamp works: with the 10W Xenon bulb submerged into a sphere of hand-blown borosillicate glass, by sliding a thin silver rod into the water the light bulb is brought to life (and, the further submerged the rod, the brighter the light). Available in 3 different sizes (4″ - 8.5″ wide) and both frosted and clear models, you can pick up this oddity for yourself at Generate, starting at $199.

The classic theremin, with its haunting tones and seemingly mystical playability, has just been taken to a new level with this Matryomin QT, originally made for the Matryomin in Russia. Created by Japanese thereminist Masami Takeuchi, the QT is a single 8.5″ tall, 4 AAA battery powered matryoshka (no word on where the other nesters got off to, but maybe they’re making sweet music somewhere too) hiding a ptich-only theremin that’s easy to play but difficult to master. Getting started is easy: just flip the switch on the doll’s backside and position your hands around the doll to coax melodious tones from the speaker hiding under the base. If you’re still unclear on the concept, check out the video of Takeuchi playing “Love Me Tender” below. Know a theremin junky, or someone with a nesting doll yen? You can pick up this one-of-a-kind piece at the Japan Trend Shop for $599.